


A Little Unsteady (Possibly A Fool)

by sweetNsimple



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author is not trans, EXPLICIT TRANSPHOBIA, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/M, Finn was adopted by the Solo family, Forced Outing, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Phasma is a piece of garbage, Poe Dameron Is A Good Boyfriend, Trans Finn (Star Wars), Trans Male Character, Transphobia, war veteran Poe Dameron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:27:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22307161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetNsimple/pseuds/sweetNsimple
Summary: Phasma was the third love of Finn's life and the first serious relationship he had. Their three years together were... terrible. A horrifying mess that almost broke him. Escaping her took all of his energy and the help of his family and best friend.Finn was four years free of Phasma and one year out of law school, working as a human rights lawyer, when he met Poe Dameron.He was not prepared. Not. At. All.
Relationships: Past Finn/Phasma, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 10
Kudos: 69





	A Little Unsteady (Possibly A Fool)

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the messy tags. I really just had no idea how to tag this.   
> WARNING: The first 3,000 words plus some focus on Finn and his abusive relationship with Phasma, who is absolutely terrible and constantly misgenders Finn on purpose. The relationship is NOT healthy. I am sorry I focused so much on the abusive relationship. I started writing and then... couldn't stop. Phasma DOES forcibly out Finn to a lot of people. PLEASE BE WARNED.   
> After that, everything gets better. I swear, there is a happy and hopeful ending with no Phasma.  
> If there are other tags I should include, please let me know! Again, I am not trans. I have friends who are trans and I do some research, but I may have missed something. Please let me know.

Men don’t get abused.

 _Trans_ men should just be happy that they’re in a relationship.

 _Black_ trans men? Well, fuck’em. They didn’t even exist.

Except men did get abused, trans men did not deserve to get abused, and Finn Solo _definitely_ existed.

Finn had been adopted as a newborn and his family had cued in when Finn was four that he wasn’t the little girl that had been put in their arms all that time ago… If it wasn’t for them starting his transition so early, listening to him when he said that his body was wrong – _when will my pee-pee grow like Ben’s, momma?_ – he might have had to go through the terrifying stage of fucking _chest development_. 

He had other trans friends who figured it out later in life, or whose parents wanted them to really think about it – _you’re too young to know for sure, what if you change your mind?_ – or who just didn’t accept it at all – _change your name and clothes all you like, but you will still be my little (insert dead name and/or wrong gender here)_ – and he felt for them. Nothing really threw off cis-gendered folk like a dude with a big chest or a woman with linebacker shoulders and a full face of hair. 

Finn fucking hated it when his friends were misgendered just because – _Oh, sorry! It’s just, you have a very large, um, you know, chest, I am so sorry_ – or – _I wouldn’t call you a man if you just shaved a bit more, y’know?_ – and even – _I know you say you’re (this gender), but we both know that’s not true, right?_

His friends liked to tell him, or maybe just insinuate, _Finn, you’ve got it easy. Your family accepts you for who you are. You’ve got a fuck-ton of friends. You don’t suffer with body dysphoria. You don’t have to worry about scars because of top surgery. Your mom even pays for your T!_ And they were right. His momma had even scoured the state for a family doctor that would not make Finn feel self-conscious about his gender when it proved that their original doctor had been, when Finn was only seven, trying to bully him into liking himself as the wrong gender. Finn had had it so fucking easy that he had forgotten how fucking hard it was to be trans. 

That all changed with Phasma. 

Finn met her when they were in college together. She was two years older than him, a senior to his sophomore, and the third love of his life right after his elementary school crush on his second-grade teacher and his awkward dating scene with a guy nicknamed Nines in middle school. She was a cold ice queen, pale and tall and strong enough to take on the football team if she wanted to. He was ecstatic when he joined the track team and got to see her regularly as she practiced for lacrosse. The fact that she asked him out was almost too much for him to handle. 

He had come out to her fairly early – _Hey, just so you know, I’m trans_ – but he had lived this mythological, fairy tale life where the very few people who didn’t like him the way he was never did anything worse than mutter behind his back. He wasn’t prepared at all for the next three years of Hell he would suffer that would begin with the words, “Wait, so you’re a _girl_?”

“No,” he explained as patiently as he could. “I’m a man.”

“With a cunt.”

“Well… yeah.” 

When he had been seeing a therapist as a child for gender dysphoria, she had suggested that he name his genitalia. It was his body, no one else could tell him what to call the thing between his legs. After some deep thought and online research, he had come back with, “This is my cunt (he secretly liked how dirty and rough that sounded, made it _manly_ ), and the lil bean is my lil bean.” He had been twelve at the time and speaking to his momma. Leila Solo, who was not phased by much, nodded once and said, “Then that’s what it is.”

Ben, Leila and Han’s biological son, piped up with, “Why not just call it your dick?” Ben was four years older than Finn and just shrugged at his mom’s warning glance. “If you’re a dude, you’ve gotta have a dick.”

“Not all dudes have dicks,” Finn had told him wisely. And then, in a smaller voice, “My lil bean’s too small to be a dick.”

“Then you have a microdick.”

Henceforth, Finn’s cunt and lil dick were titled. 

Hearing Phasma say ‘cunt’ though made Finn squirm. Something in the way she said it just wasn’t right.

Phasma rolled her eyes. “How much of a man can you be if you don’t have a dick?”

“I have a dick!” he yelped, then tried to quiet down. “It’s not a whopping seven inch-dick, but it’s _my_ dick.” And it was a whopping _three_ inches, which, in the trans man world, was like a ten-inch dick on a cis man. Nothing to brag about to people who wouldn’t get how absolutely stoked Finn was about it, especially when it got hard and it almost looked like he had a bulge. A small one, definitely not noticeable in jeans, but, _come on_ , a bulge! 

Phasma walked out on their date.

Finn thought it would be the end of it, but it wasn’t.

Because Finn was a fucking _idiot_.

Phasma came back. Said she had done some research and that she was sorry and that he was a sweet kid. Could they try again? 

It was fine for the first few dates. She edged the line of insensitive sometimes, made Finn a bit uncomfortable, but, _come on_ , she just didn’t know any better. It was all good.

He upheld that even after their first time having sex together. She’d strapped on a dildo and he had thought, _I like where this is going_ , but that thought was instantly murdered by her just pushing it in his cunt and going to town. Because he was on T, his cunt didn’t lube itself, and there hadn’t been any good foreplay to begin with. He’d stopped her, because, _fuck that, sex is supposed to fun_ , which began an argument about how if he was really man enough, he would be able to take it. The argument escalated to the point where he almost left, but she drew him back in at the last minute. She was good at that.

“Baby boy,” she said, and he stopped because he was real weak when it came to her calling him that. “You’re right. I don’t get to talk to you like that. I should respect your terminology. I’m so sorry, baby boy. It’s just – it’s hard, sometimes. I like you so much, but I’ve never dated anyone as special as you before. And I guess I’m nervous. I want to make our first time special, and I hurt you instead. I lost my temper a bit. I wasn’t angry with you, I was angry with myself, and I took it out on you. I’m sorry, baby boy. Come back to bed? Let’s try this again.”

She was _so_ good at that.

He wanted to say _Hell no_ , but he was already going back to her. She was right – this was all pretty new to her, he had to have patience for when she messed up. Besides, couples had fights and he knew that, sometimes, that meant trying to hurt the other person. God knew, he had seen his momma and pops go at it a time or two. But Leila and Han, despite some brief periods of separation, were still going strong some thirty years after getting together. 

He could be forgiving. They would both learn and it would be okay. He at least had hope that sex would get better the more they learned about each other.

He was lying to himself if he really thought that that would happen.

~::~  
Phasma had mood swings, was what he figured out. She could be totally understanding and sweet toward him one moment, and then put him down the next. After five months together, Finn realized that she was getting jealous of his friends. She’d come up with plans at the last minute, so he couldn’t go to lunch with his brother. She’d seethe and claim that he didn’t care for her if he tried to have dinner with his friends instead of her. She’d scoff and call him a _girl_ for going out shopping with his best friend and roommate. She’d call him names whenever his mom came up and stayed the weekend. Phasma had long since graduated but had been hired on at a nearby law firm, allowing their relationship to continue without it becoming long distance. Finn should have been happy, but he was starting to feel trapped. 

It got real weird when she started getting jealous of his job.

“I can afford to take care of you. Besides, your mother pays for your education and hormones anyway. What do you need a job for?” Her eyes were sharp and cutting. He felt like there was something crawling just beneath his skin when she looked at him like that. 

“It helps to have spending money, Phas. And it doesn’t look good on resumes to just sit around for seven years of upper education without having even one job.”

“You work at Starbucks. There is not a non-profit anywhere that cares about your job experience at Starbucks.”

“I’m not quitting my damn job, Phasma!” He snapped. It had been long coming. He wouldn’t say it, because then she would get really mad, but he had some friends who worked at Starbucks too, or who dropped by to see him since Phas and school took up the rest of his time. Thank God he lived with Rey, or he would never get to see his best friend. And Phas really hated Rey, hated that he was rooming with a girl. Phas had taken it out on Finn several times, talking about how _Only girls are allowed to room with girls on campus. It appears the university can see right through you_ , and _Maybe you should date_ her _, I am certain that she would be willing to jump on your nonexistent dick_. But Finn had kept it calm. He had kept it cool. Rey hated Phas and Finn’s parents hated Phas and Ben, doing an internship in Ireland on the other side of the ocean, hated Phas, but Finn had held out hope. Phas was an… acquired taste! 

Right now, though, she was just sour in Finn’s life. Had been for a long while now, but she had a good point to make about how she put up with a lot from him. She was right, he couldn’t expect anyone else to deal with his issues. He felt stuck.

“What did you say to me?” Phasma hissed, ice cold eyes pinning Finn to the spot.

“I’m not quitting my job, Phas. I like it! It gets me out, I talk to people, I talk to my _friends_ – I have those, Phas. I have friends!”

She was deadly quiet for long moments, long enough that he grabbed his messenger bag and he was already halfway out the door of her apartment – weird, he had a lot of stuff here now – when she spoke up again in a soft, dangerous voice.

“Do they know?” she asked.

“Know what?”

“That you’re trans?”

“Well… yeah.”

“Does _everyone_ know?”

“Who exactly is _everyone_?”

“Everyone on campus. At Starbucks. Since you have so many _friends_ , and you are so open about your body. Everyone must know.”

“Well, no.” He didn’t see a reason for everyone to know.

“I should tell them. You don’t want them to get the wrong impression of you.”

“What wrong impression?”

“Baby boy,” she sighed, and the title did not bring him as much joy as it used to. “They think that you are _really_ a man.”

“I _really_ am a man.”

She dropped it, but he felt uncomfortable for the rest of the week. It was that Thursday, three days after their talk, that his manager at Starbucks pulled him aside and said that they had to let him go. He was making customers uncomfortable. And, remember that time he had done that order wrong? Remember that time the drawer had come up two dollars short? Suddenly, the small mistakes he had made over the past two years of working there were being used against him. The manager wouldn’t look him in the eye.

He didn’t explain how Finn was making people ‘uncomfortable’. He was black, so he thought at first, shit, his customers were racist. He was better off without Starbucks if that was the case.

Then he actually left Starbucks. For some reason, he looked back at the door. He hadn’t seen it the first time, walking in, mostly because he had been texting with someone. 

But there it was – it was a flyer with two photos on it: one of him now as a twenty-two year old man, and one of them as a four year old child with luscious curls and bows and wearing a dress. The large text beneath the photos said, ‘WOULD YOU TRUST SOMEONE WHO LIES ABOUT THEIR BODY WITH YOUR MONEY?’. 

It felt like someone had shoved ice down his back. His hands shook and it was – wow – so hard to breathe, suddenly….

He was a mess getting back to the dorms that night. On the small white board he kept on his door so that he could write messages to his neighbors were almost a dozen comments. 

_Freak_

_She-male_

_Ugly woman_

_Just need a good dicking_

He viciously wiped them all away. Gasping for breath, almost sobbing, he hid away in his room.

“Finn?” Rey, his best friend and an international student from England, sat up in her bed. Her laptop was open and Finn could see his big brother Ben on Skype. She looked worried and Ben had that blank, tight expression that meant that he might harm someone. “Oh, Finn, we heard about what happened at work. Leila and Han are on their way here and Ben wants to talk to you.” 

“Who wrote that shit?” He exploded, breathing ragged. He slammed a fist against the door. “Who wrote that shit on the whiteboard?”

Rey looked alarmed. “What?”

“Finn,” Ben said through the laptop. “Rey told me that some of your friends stopped by and wrote down words of encouragement and support -”

“There was fucking _nothing_ encouraging or supportive on that goddamned board!”

“Wh-what do you mean?” Rey asked, voice soft. She had never seen him this angry before. He had never _been_ this angry before.

“She-male, freak, ugly woman – someone fucking threatened to rape me!”

“That – that wasn’t on the board ten minutes ago, Finn, _believe me_. Ten minutes ago, that board was covered in rainbows and love. I sent a picture to Leila and Han, I’ll show you, _please_. I don’t know who vandalized it, but it wasn’t like that ten minutes ago.”

“Finn, breathe,” Ben ordered. He held up a hand, fingers pointed at Finn. It was an odd habit of his that seemed to make him believe that he had more control. Finn used to laugh and mimic him, but, now, he just wanted to scream. “I’m still in Ireland with Uncle Luke. I can’t come see you. But I _am_ here for you, just as you were for me in the past. Remember when I was convinced that the world hated me and saw me as something filthy and disgusting. Remember how I hurt you? You had to go to the hospital and get stitches in your back. We weren’t sure if you would walk again.”

“I remember,” he choked out. Their richer-than-America asshole neighbor Snoke had been sexually abusing Ben for years. Leila, Han, Uncle Luke and Finn couldn’t figure out why Ben was wearing all-black, why he wouldn’t touch them anymore, why he slept with three locks on his door, why he was picking fights at school or getting caught by the police for underage drinking. Finn had followed Ben one night. Snoke had been threatening Ben with having their momma removed from the Senate. Had threatened to have their pops put in jail for crimes he had been acquitted of a long time ago. Had threatened to make it impossible for Finn to get his T. Snoke had been a sick fuck who had endangered everything Ben had loved. 

Ben hadn’t reacted well to Finn finding out and wanting to get Ben help. Ben’s life was already so out of control that he just – snapped. 

Finn had never been beaten up for being trans, but the single time he had been bruised and broken in his life had been when his big brother had taken their grandpa’s antique Celtic javelin from the mantle atop the fireplace and struck Finn across the back with it.

The incident should have probably traumatized Finn, but it had been the look on Ben’s face right after he did it and before Finn passed out, the look of horror and guilt, that Finn was haunted by. 

Someone had hurt Ben so much that, in his rage and fear, the only thing Ben could think to do was to hurt someone else. 

Finn looked up from the floor and saw the brief glimmer of caution in Rey, remembered how he had screamed at her and abused the door, and forced himself to calm down – just a little. Just enough that he wasn’t taking it out on her. 

“I’m scared,” he told them both.

“Oh, darling.” Rey put the laptop down, camera facing Finn, and she came and pulled him into a hug. 

“Do you know who would have done this?” Ben asked.

Finn remembered that strange conversation he had had with Phasma a few days ago. “I – I think… I think I… I think I do, yeah.”

“It was Phasma, wasn’t it?” Rey asked, eyes hard now. “I told you you should have dumped that cold-hearted bitch. She’s _abusing_ you, Finn. She is not your lover or your friend, she is your bully.”

“She’s new to dating a trans person, Rey!” he found himself defending her.

“You have been dating for three years, Finn! _Three years_! At the very least, she should have learned enough about _you_ , the person, Finn, to not put that disgusting flyer everywhere!”

“Wait, hold on…” Finn thought he could taste acid. Or copper. “What do you mean, ‘everywhere’?” 

“Finn,” Rey cupped his face in her hands. “It’s all over campus. And in town.”

When Leila and Han showed up forty minutes later, it was to Finn wrapped in every blanket Rey and he owned, curled in a corner of his bed, as Rey and Ben tried their best to comfort him. The room was sweltering hot and Finn felt as cold as ice.

~::~

His momma got Phasma fired from her law firm and, after discovering Phasma’s degrees in political and military science, reached out to all of her connections to make certain that Phasma struggled to get another job.

“That seems like overkill,” Finn muttered into his hot chocolate. Other friends had dropped by and offered their condolences. The LGBTQIA+ club had taken it as their personal mission to get rid of the flyers and had turned it into a bit of an event – they replaced every flyer with a bio of one of the club members. They claimed that they were doing a good thing and spreading awareness of other genders and sexualities.

Starbucks especially seemed to have to tear down at least fourteen flyers _a day_. 

His momma was sitting on his small twin-sized dorm bed, one hand on his knee and the other in her lap. “It’s not. Honey, I want you to do something for me…”

She had him go to domestic violence trainings. Sit through seminars. He gained an interest himself and went through the training hours to become an advocate at his local domestic violence agency. It was a bit hard, because not a lot of victims wanted to talk to a man, but he was popular with the battered men and LGBT survivors. 

It wasn’t until he was actually sitting down with a gay man that he had an epiphany. “He kept threatening to out me to my family if I didn’t stay with him. I couldn’t leave, I didn’t want my family to know – they don’t know, they’ll hate me if I know, I just _know_ it” Finn suddenly realized what his momma had wanted him to figure out.

Phasma had abused him. 

He sat in stunned stupor for the rest of their session. Luckily, the person he was with didn’t notice, and left afterward looking a little better for having talked about his crazy ex-boyfriend. 

Finn called Leila. “Momma, I was abused. Phasma fucking _abused_ me.”

That trick of spreading that flyer all around campus wasn’t supposed to be the end of their relationship – Phasma had wanted to fucking _isolate_ him. She’d wanted him to have nowhere to turn to. Nowhere but her.

“She did, honey,” Leila said over the phone, sounding tired and proud. “What do you want to do next?”

Finn broke down sobbing. “Can I see a counselor? Please?”

“Of course, baby. I’ll let you know when I’ve got someone set up for you.”

~::~

Finn was four years free of Phasma and one year out of law school, working as a human rights lawyer, when he met Poe Dameron.

Finn had been avoiding Starbucks ever since they had fired him, so he had stumbled into a new café, desperate for coffee and crunched for time. 

“Can I please have a – ” was as far as he got before he looked up at the man behind the counter.

 _Fuck, he’s gorgeous_. 

The man had a glowing golden complexion, big brown eyes, and luxurious black curls that Finn wanted to sink his fingers into. His lips were spreading into a smile. “Can’t read minds, buddy, what would you like?”

Which was when Finn realized that he was staring and that he was fucked.

“Nevermind, I forgot my wallet, I gotta go,” Finn mumbled, wallet in hand, and hightailed it out of there.

Finn hadn’t been with anyone since Phasma. 

~::~

The next time he walked by the café, he took note of the name – _I Can Bake Anything_ – and saw through the large display windows a little doggy bed with an orange and white corgi in it. The really cute guy was there again, laughing with someone who was diligently studying his display of sweets. The cute guy looked up, saw Finn, and _winked_.

Finn, choking on his own spit, practically ran away.

~::~

It took two weeks and the presence of Rey – who had married Ben and was now a U.S. citizen – to go back to _I Can Bake Anything_. 

She studied the name. “It is unique,” she offered.

The really cute guy was there again. When he saw Finn, he smiled slow and sweet. “Hey there, buddy! Welcome back. You remember your wallet this time?” His eyes fucking _sparkled_. They sparkled! Finn didn’t know that that was a real thing eyes did.

“Uh, yeah, I, I did. Thanks. Um, yeah, thanks.”

Rey stared at him as if he had grown two more heads. 

“Right,” she said in the awkward silence Finn left behind. She smiled at the man. “My name’s Rey and this hopeless fool is my brother-in-law, Finn.” She reached across the counter to shake the man’s hand. “And you are?”

“Poe.” Poe only glanced at Rey before focusing on Finn again. “Poe Dameron.”

“Like James.” Finn paused. “James Bond.”

Poe laughed and it was a husky, _sexy_ sound that shivered right down Finn’s spine.

“Yeah, something like that,” Poe said. 

“Yeah, I’m here with my sister. _Just_ my sister. No girlfriend or boyfriend or anything. You got a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? A cute boyfriend? _Ow,_ Rey!”

“I just remembered, we are _really_ in a rush, no time for coffee,” Rey said in a rush, arms tight around Finn’s arm. “Have a wonderful day, Poe.”

“Make sure to do the same,” Poe said, sounding like he was trying not to laugh while also looking adorably bemused.

“What was that?” Rey asked as soon as they were down the street. She looked almost happy for him. “Finn, you are _terrible_ at flirting. That was the single most hilarious, painful thing I have ever seen you do.” She deepened her voice to sound like Finn. “You got a boyfriend? A _cute_ boyfriend?”

“Shut up,” Finn muttered, shoulders up to his ears. “I panicked, okay? It’s been awhile since I’ve felt like this for anyone.”

Her laughter died away and became compassion. “I know, sweetie. This could be a good thing, though!”

“Or a really bad thing.”

Her shoulder nudged his. “You can ask him on a date at least. If he says no, there are at least six other cafes you can go to. You never have to see him again.” 

That actually gave him some courage. 

But then he remembered the last time he went on a first date and came out to Phasma. 

“I can’t, Rey. I’m not ready.”

She was silent for some time. “Alright,” she said. “Take your time. Meanwhile, you can at least go to that café. He makes some decent eye candy.”

“ _Decent_? You’re just biased ‘cause your married, he’s a fucking _God_.”

~::~

That fucking God became a regular part of Finn’s life. He didn’t have to guts to ask Poe out, or even look at his face for the next couple of weeks, but Poe was so enigmatic, so bright and friendly and sassy, that Finn kept coming back regardless.

“If it’s not my tall bar of dark chocolate, coming in to sweeten my day,” Poe said one morning.

“Yeah, well, you’re – you’re… A cappuccino. _Shit_. In Mexico. You look good.”

Poe threw his head back and laughed. 

Finn belatedly realized that they were flirting. _Have been this whole time, thanks for finally noticing_ , his brain echoed to him. 

Okay, but just _now_.

A voice that sounded a lot like Rey’s echoed between his ears, _And badly_.

Finn swallowed against a suddenly dry throat and wondered if he would ask Poe out.

“Hey, buddy,” Poe said, leaning the counter. “What’s your life source today?”

Finn put in his order and skulked to the side after paying. The answer was no, he would not be asking Poe _anything_.

Instead, he stared at the pride flag hanging behind the counter, next to a framed box of air force medals. Poe had taken the time to name them off to Finn, sounding bored but looking fond and proud. Finn didn’t even remember what half of the eight of them meant, but he knew that three of them were ‘Outstanding Airman of the Year’ Awards, one of which was a bronze-colored star and the other two ribbons. 

Major Poe Dameron had served their country for ten years before retiring and starting his own café. He was too fucking cool for Finn.

“Hazelnut Cappuccino, three creams, four sugars, and a dash of love for my main man and buddy!” Poe called out, even though Finn was _right there_. Now the seven other people in the café were staring, _good God_.

Finn forced a smile. “Thanks, Poe.”

Poe winked and handed him his drink. “No problem.”

Finn was two blocks away when he looked at his cup and realized that there was a phone number on it. 

~::~

“I am _seriously_ freaking out right now, guys!”

Finn heard Ben sigh before Rey could hush him. _“It’s fine! If he made the first move, then he is definitely interested and you should definitely go for it!”_

“Sure, he’s interested now – what about when he finds out about – about, y’know?” Phasma haunted him for a moment too long, a moment he could not escape her flinch and icy look. God, he had been so stupid. The first moment she had looked and talked like she wasn’t okay with him, he should have booked. But he hadn’t, had he? So _stupid_ …

He took a deep breath and tried to center himself. He had talked to his counselor about this. He had not been stupid to expect human decency from someone he was romantically and sexually interested in. It had not been his job to prepare for emotional (and admittedly sexual) abuse, and he could not blame himself for the actions of others. 

But, damn, he blamed himself for making excuses for Phasma and going back to her, every damn day for three years. 

_“Finn,”_ Ben said over loudspeaker, _“Text him. Call him. Don’t ask him out, you don’t have to. You have his number, not a marriage contract. Be friends and then see where it goes.”_

 _“Be friends,”_ Rey scoffed, though Finn could hear the warmth in her voice. _“Do you hear this cad, Finn? That’s how you’re going to get tricked into marriage, by some boy who says he wants to be friends and uses his big brown eyes against you.”_

 _“I never said I wanted to be friends,”_ Ben argued. _“I suggested that we get along for Finn’s sake, as he kept insisting on you joining us for the holidays and you took an instant dislike to me for no reason.”_

_“You called me a grease monkey and demanded to know why my parents had never taught me manners or how to eat spaghetti without ‘bathing in it’.”_

Finn grimaced in the awkward silence. It was all true and painful to remember.

_“At the time, I did not know that you had been raised in foster care. Or else I never would have made the parent comment. The spaghetti comment still stands.”_

_“No one can neatly eat spaghetti, Ben Solo! Nobody!”_

Finn was chuckling now. He was so glad that two of the people he loved the most were in love and giving him stress headaches.

“Should I just leave you two to discuss spaghetti, then?” he asked.

 _“Just text him,”_ Rey sighed, defeated. _“Something casual, like…”_ she stifled a laugh with a very unladylike snort, _“You got a boyfriend? A_ cute _boyfriend?”_

“Aaaand I’m hanging up now, see you again never, you _traitor_.”

~::~

Later, he did text Poe:

_Have a good night._

Poe instantly responded:

_Just got better ;)_

Finn went to bed, feeling very flushed.

~::~

The texting got out of hand from there. They texted during Poe’s lunch breath and Finn’s lunch break and during five-minute bathroom breaks and as Finn was walking two feet from his desk to the printer. They texted _Good morning!_ and _Good night._ and _See you tomorrow, stud_ (Poe sent that, definitely Poe). They texted during Sunday dinner when Finn was sitting down with his family. The only time they weren’t texting was when Finn was actually at _I Can Bake Anything_.

Finn thought he would have nothing to say by the time he got there every morning, but he was always wrong. He knew Poe so well now, his best friends in the Air Force, the friends who had passed away, the nightmares, his favorite color, his favorite food, his deceased parents, his hopes to someday have exactly two kids, his obsession with his corgi, and just – so much. He knew Poe so well. And every morning, Poe smiled at him and made him feel like Poe knew him too.

It was so freaking terrifying.

~::~  
“Hey, buddy,” Poe began one day, holding out Finn’s order, but not letting go. Poe bit his bottom lip before looking at Finn from below his thick eyelashes. 

_He’s so pretty, that’s unfair_ , Finn thought.

He was captivated.

“Correct me if I’m getting the wrong signal, but, you wanna have dinner with me tomorrow?”

Finn’s brain took a vacation for exactly long enough for Finn to blurt out, “Like a friend-dinner or a cute-boyfriend-dinner – _damn it, Rey_!”

Out of context, it made no sense and Poe did look somewhat concerned for him.

Finn’s mouth opened and shut, but no words came out. _I should go_ , he thought, but he didn’t dare move.

Slowly, Poe smiled. “Like a cute-boyfriend-dinner, if everything goes right. Which I think it might. There’s isn’t a single thing about you that I don’t like. Except your hidden identity as a clean freak and that you like cats better than dogs. Those are problems, but I’m willing to deal with them.”

Finn laughed, but it was a high-pitched, panicky noise that escaped from his chest. “Right. Yeah. Hah. Listen, ‘bout that…” 

He couldn’t do it. He could not go on a date with Poe. Poe was so good, so well established, so hot, and so out of Finn’s league…

Finn licked his lips nervously. His heart was beating like crazy.

 _Get it over with. Don’t wait till you ruin the date, just ruin this entire friendship right now_.

 _Goodbye, Poe_.

“I’m trans,” he said in an impossibly small whisper, hoping that Poe hadn’t heard him. 

He hated how quiet the café was and Poe’s good hearing, because Poe _definitely_ heard him. Poe gave a small jolt and eyed Finn over, like so many other people had once Finn revealed himself, as if they were looking for some deficit feature that they could point at and say, _Ah, yes, I can see how you used to look like a girl._

He began pulling away, pulling back, retreating. 

“So, yeah, there’s that,” he was saying as he walked backward toward the door.

“Wait, Finn…” Poe was frowning.

“It’s fine. It’s fine! No worries, man, it’s all good.”

“Finn.” More stern now. Poe even pointed at him. “Don’t you dare walk out that door without answering me.”

Finn stopped, but it was entirely against his will. He stood there, uncomfortable and more than a little heartbroken, waiting for the question.

Interestingly enough, Poe looked like he was waiting for an answer.

“… What am I answering?”

“Date. Dinner? Remember that whole conversation?”

Finn’s heart grew three sizes. “You – you still wanna go on a date? With _me_?”

“Yeah, buddy! Who else?” Poe practically fucking undressed him with his eyes and Finn was so damn glad that his skin was too dark to blush or else he’d be mortified. “I want myself a boyfriend. A _cute_ boyfriend.”

“Oh, come on! Why won’t anyone let that go?!”

Poe just laughed. “Whadaya say, buddy? You, me, and I get to choose the date?”

Finn bit his bottom lip before smiling nervously. “You know what? Yeah – yeah, I’d like that. Uh, when do you, uh, wanna do this?”

~::~

Finn hadn’t been sure what to expect.

He therefore had no expectations when Poe picked him up Saturday afternoon on his motorcycle and drove them deep into the country away from the city. Poe followed the debilitated back roads until Finn couldn’t even hear any other traffic and was starting to feel uncomfortable with the amount of noise _they_ were making. It felt like an eternity before Poe slowed down and pulled his bike into a small dirt parking lot deep in the forest. Finn could still feel the vibrations of the engine in his thighs after Poe turned it off and the sudden silence was _deafening_.

“You ready for a picnic, buddy?” Poe asked, taking off his helmet. He smiled back at Finn. “You can let go now, by the way.”

“Uh, right.” Finn retracted his snake-tight grip from Poe’s waist. “Sorry, I only ever ride bitch with my brother.”

Poe snorted. “You said _bitch_.”

“Well, yeah. I’m a full-grown man, I can cuss if I want to.”

“Definitely,” Poe agreed amicably. 

“Fuck yeah!”

“Finn,” Poe said, swinging off the bike and taking Finn’s helmet off. “Relax. I didn’t take you out here to murder you. If you really don’t like it, we can go back to the city and find a nice place to eat.”

The option helped soothe a lot of Finn’s tension. He _had_ been worried, honestly. He told Poe he was trans and Poe’s idea of a first date was to take him out into the middle of nowhere where there wasn’t even any cell reception? No matter how nice Poe was, Finn couldn’t help but think _it’s a trap!_

Instead of saying that, though, he shook his head and blurted, “No, this is fine. This is great! It’s great out here. It looks great.”

Poe kissed him (on the cheek!) before grabbing the picnic basket (an actual fucking _picnic_ basket, woven willow and all) and started walking away. “You haven’t even _seen_ great yet, buddy! Come one, slowpoke!”

With no other option but to follow, Finn hopped off the bike, stamped some feeling back into his tingling legs, and hurried after Poe.

They skittered up a path and the small road quickly disappeared from sight. 

“I never even asked if you liked hiking,” Poe said a few minutes later into the awkward air surrounding Finn. “I got so excited about taking you out that I didn’t think to ask. Are you sure you don’t want to turn back?”

“No, this – this is good. I do like hiking. Growing up, it was hard to get mom and dad’s schedules lined up, almost impossible to get Uncle Luke involved, but we always scheduled a whole week in the summer to just get out and camp.” He smiled fondly at the memory. Uncle Luke could live in caves and hollowed trees. He and Ben, who had never been to Uncle Luke’s home, had assumed for most of their younger years that Uncle Luke was one of those eccentrics that chose to live on the street and travel the world on foot. Their mom, Leila, was a nature enthusiast and heavily involved in environmental protection legislation (among many other things), and was known to quarrel with Uncle Luke about where they would go next. Their dad was a city boy and fucking hated the woods, but he went anyway because of love – mostly love for their dog Chewie, who always seemed to know when they were about to go camping and tried to get ready by jumping in the car and refusing to budge. Chewie was a huge freaking dog, there hadn’t been no moving him unless they bribed him with enough food.

Finn was chuckling without even being aware of it. 

“What’s so funny, hotshot?” Poe asked, smiling at him.

“Just – thinking about my family. Camping really was the highlight of the year. A whole week of no extracurricular activity, no politics, no expectations… Just us. Uncle Luke showed us how to fish by tying some string and a hook to a stick and digging up our own worms. Mom took us on four wheelers. Dad _hated_ hiking and he hated bugs and he hated living in tents or cabins and he _especially_ hated the color green like halfway through the trip, but he was really good at climbing trees and we’d hide from mom fifty feet off the ground. It was awesome.”

“That sounds great, buddy,” Poe said, sincere and happy for him. 

“Oh, yeah. And Chewie would always find the nearest body of water and get soaked. Then he’d come home after being missing for hours and he’d be just _foul_ smelling and he’d roll all over dad. Mom would get so pissed.”

“Chewie?”

“He was our dog for a really long time. A massive tibetan mastiff – I mean, you could ride him into battle. He took on some alligators once when we were in California and he killed one of them too. He was a good boy.”

“What happened to him?”

“He passed away.” Finn had to swallow against the old pain. “Old age. He lived a long time for his breed, though. He was full grown by the time I was even adopted and he was there when I graduated from high school.” He’d been old and slow by then, though, almost blind in both eyes. He’d given his warbling howl when Finn had walked across the stage, easily louder than anyone and everyone else cheering for Finn, and Finn had thought it was the greatest moment of his life.

“I miss him a lot,” Finn admitted.

“I should have brought BB8,” Poe said, clasping Finn’s hand in his free hand. “He could have cheered you up.”

“Why didn’t you? This seems like something he would like a lot.”

“Well, I thought I’d take you on a date and feed you while I was at it, so I didn’t have a lot of room for him too. Next time, I _guess_ I can just leave you behind and bring him instead.”

“Hah hah, asshole.”

Poe kissed the back of his hand. “Admit it, you find me charming.”

“Something like that. Hey, do you have a specific place in mind, or do we just keep going until we’re hungry?” He wouldn’t mind either way. Uncle Luke had taken him, Ben, and Rey on a three-day hike across the Appalachian mountains last summer. It would have been great if he and Luke hadn’t had to put their tent so far away from Ben and Rey, recently married and _very_ sexually active. It had made mornings awkward, when Luke and Finn practically had to hike to their camp just to have breakfast and get ready to hike some more.

He remembered the trip fondly if only because of Uncle Luke incessantly teasing Ben and Rey.

“Nah, I have a place in mind,” Poe said, still holding Finn’s hand. It was getting sweaty.

Finn said nothing and hoped that Poe wouldn’t let go.

~::~

It was a long time later, maybe two hours, when Poe told Finn to close his eyes. Finn didn’t think about doing so and that was when he realized that he was no longer afraid of Poe killing him. It was a nice, freeing feeling to trust the other man.

Poe had moved his basket up his arm so that he could hold both of Finn’s hands and lead him forward, giving hushed direction of when to step up or when to duck so that he didn’t trip over roots or get whacked in the face by branches. They stumbled and stepped carefully like this for a small forever before Poe whispered, _very close to Poe’s ear_ , “Aaaand, we’re here. You can look.”

Finn looked.

It was fucking _gorgeous_.

It was a lake, clear, steady surface reflecting the surrounding trees and distant mountains. The clear blue sky had some fluffy clouds floating in it, the sun shining through one to throw rays of light down that sparkled on the lake. Near where Finn and Poe was standing, the gentle lapping of the water was extremely smoothing, and the smell of pine and water was better than any candle. The water got shallower at the shore, letting some of the sunlight reflect off the bottom of the bank and its many pebbles and rocks in different hues of blues, whites, greens and browns. 

“Holy shit,” Finn whispered. Of course, he had seen many sights like this, and some he still upheld were even better, but that didn’t make this any less. With Poe’s hand in his, the other man beaming proudly, Finn could be convinced to say that this was one of the top three best sceneries he had seen.

The – the lake, not Poe, of course. Or maybe both of them together?

“Ready for a picnic?” Poe asked. “I think we’ve earned it.”

Finn smiled. “Yeah, we have.”

~::~

They stayed there for a long time, talking and laughing. At one point, Finn picked Poe up and threw him in the lake. It was awesome. 

“Not cool, man,” Poe chattered as he crawled toward the shore. He held out a hand for Finn’s help in pulling him forward.

Guileless and naïve, Finn took Poe’s hand – and sailed right over Poe’s head into the icy water.

“Holy _shit_ , it’s cold!”

“Is it? How cold is it, buddy? Come on, go ahead and tell me.”

“Fucking ice water, man!”

Laughing, pushing each other, they sloshed out of the water.

“Now we get to huddle for warmth,” Poe stuttered, trying to wink. Even soaked and shivering, he looked hot. _Especially_ soaked. It was distracting, was what it was.

“Yeah,” Finn choked, shivering himself. “Yeah, might be for the best.”

They cuddled together, shivering and talking and laughing. The sun was merciful and warm on their pitiful forms, the air balmy.

“Hey, buddy,” Poe said into the peaceful silence. “Mind if I tell you something?”

Finn, not thinking about anything except for how close Poe was and how good he felt, said, “Yeah, sure, go for it.”

“I’ve never dated a trans person before…”

Finn suddenly felt the icy cold grip of the water again and dread filled him.

“So if I say anything wrong, let me know, okay? I might mess up, but I really want this to work out. You’re gorgeous and funny and so _good_. I just want you to know, I’m in this for the long run, so I’m gonna take this seriously.”

Finn was… torn, but hopeful. “O-okay, I’ll, uh, I’ll let you know.”

“You okay, buddy?” Poe was studying his face. “You don’t look so good.”

Finn sucked in a deep breath. Let it out slowly. It was the first date, so he didn’t really owe Poe anything. But he did really like Poe, and, even if this was their first date, they had been friends for almost three months, and had known each other for longer than that. More than that, though, he _wanted_ Poe to know. It was important that Poe understand him.

“The last relationship I was in was more than four years ago,” he said in a rush. “Her name was Phasma, and I was so happy that she asked me out.”

“Okay…” Poe was obviously confused, but still listening.

“She abused me.”

“Oh, fuck…”

“Not, like, physically – the way most people think about it. She didn’t hit me or punch me or cut me. She was emotionally abusive. S-sexually abusive. I was with her for three years, and, every time she messed up or I got angry, she’d say that she was still learning how to date a trans man. She’d misgender me, talk about how I wasn’t really a man – and then she’d turn around, apologize for it all, and say that she would get better. She convinced me that – that being with her was better than being with anyone else, because they wouldn’t know how to handle me.” He wiped at his face furiously. 

“In the relationship, I didn’t see it for what it was, y’know? I thought, sometimes, that she was bipolar or stressed or that her background was too conservative, but she’d get over it and we’d be stronger because couples fight all the time and they get better. I thought, I just had to be understanding and help her learn. Instead, she was teaching me how to doubt myself, how to let her get away with what she wanted.” He was starting to get angry now.

He turned hard eyes on Poe, who looked like he was trying to keep a blank, calm face. “You know how we finally broke up? I wouldn’t give up my job, so she made flyers of me before and after my transition and put them all over town. I got fired. Other shit happened too, stuff that… messed me up. I was still living in the dorms then, still in school, and I had this message board on my door…” He wrung his hands together, trying to just feel _okay_. “I keep remembering this one message, someone writing that I just, I just needed a good _dicking_ , and I felt like I was going to throw up. Like I was about to get attacked.” He rubbed the back of his hand over his cheek, scrubbing away at lake water or tears, one or the other.

“It’s – a lot, right?” he asked suddenly, looking at Poe. “ _Shit_ , yeah, that was… too much. I just overshared way too much on the first date. I’m so sorry, it was, I was having a great time. Aw, man, can we just…” What, ignore what he just said?

Poe carefully settled a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you,” he told Finn. “For telling me. Can I… can I just hold you? I don’t know about you, but I need a hug.”

Finn snorted – or maybe sobbed. He fell forward and Poe caught him. Of course he did.

They embraced each other with full strength, like they wanted to leave bruises, and it felt so good and safe.

“I have no idea what that’s like,” Poe admitted into his shoulder. “I’ve never had to live through what you’ve gone through.”

“You survived actual _war_ , Poe.”

“Yeah, and, let me tell you, I seriously _hate_ it when people who haven’t been through war tell me they understand what it’s like. I’ve survived my shit, that doesn’t mean I know what your life’s been like. That doesn’t mean I can compare my pain to yours. I’ve been through it and so have you. Maybe it’s messed up, but… that makes me feel better, y’know?” He pulled back just enough to rest his palm over Finn’s heart. “I’ve done shit I’ll never forgive myself for. Seen shit I’ll never forget. Got scars to prove it, too. And then you came into my life and you’re so _good_ , Finn. You looked at me like I made the sun come up and I was a goner. I was so scared too.”

“ _You_?”

Poe laughed. “Yeah, me. I’m a piece of work, Finn. I was worried that you’d… well, that you’d realize I was fucked up and get the hell out of dodge. I’m sorry to say, I judged a little bit based off of what you’ve told me about you and your family. I thought you had had this perfect, happy life, and I was scared you wouldn’t know what to do with me once you saw the real me.” His face twisted. “I don’t know if I’m explaining this well.”

“You don’t know what it’s like to be me,” Finn summarized, “but you know what it’s like to go through trauma and that makes me relatable. Attainable.”

“It still sounds really bad, but, yeah. I’m fucked up and I like that you’re fucked up.”

Finn twisted his hands in the back of Poe’s shirt, breathing him in. “Just don’t try to fuck me up more and we can make this work. Deal?”

“Oh, _honey_ ,” Poe crooned. “I am _dedicated_ to making sure this works, come the good times and couple’s therapy.”

“Yeah? That’s good… I want this to work too.”

“Well, with both of us working for, well, _us_ , I don’t see anything or anyone getting in our way,” Poe teased. There was a moment of silence. “I’m not ready to read from my own book, but, someday, would you be okay with me telling you about the war?”

Finn considered this carefully. This wasn’t something he could just blindly answer to make Poe feel better. He had to seriously ask himself, was he ready to learn things about this guy that might be scary? That might be hard to believe? “Yeah. I’d be okay with that.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I’m just gonna keep holding you for awhile, kay?” Poe nuzzled into the junction of Finn’s shoulder and neck, the other hand braced over his nape. Finn swore the other guy was just breathing him in, which was sweet and a little gross seeing as they were covered in sweat and lake water. Mostly sweet, though.

“Okay,” Finn answered. He rubbed his cheek against the side of Poe’s head. “Fuck, you’re hot.”

“I get my beauty sleep every night.”

“No, well, yes, but – no. You are actually hot. How the hell are you a walking furnace?”

“If I tell you, you’ll stop using me as a walking furnace, and that is unacceptable.”

“Fine, then. Keep your secrets.”

“I will!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!” Poe gathered him closer, somehow. “Thank you for taking a chance on me,” Poe whispered.

“Don’t make me regret it.” What he didn’t say was, _don’t hurt me_. He thought Poe understood him anyway.

“ _Never_ ,” Poe vowed, and the promise was branded into Finn’s skin.

It felt good. It felt hopeful. It felt like they had a fighting chance.


End file.
